BBC1 - 27th September 2008 - 6.00pm

I've just seen the overnight viewing figures. Just under 5M. That's down nearly 1.75M from the premiere last week. Why is that, I wonder? Could it be the scheduling, where the series has been moved away from going head to head with The X Factor? Could it be...that this just isn't very good? I watched the first episode again just before this and, even though it still isn't a particularly strong opening, it's much better than Valiant.

What on earth is happening to the women in this series?

Colin Morgan is pretty much carrying this show now. He's turning in a very likeable, cheeky little performance as Merlin. Yeah, he's very fanciable, and my hormones have likely had something to do with it, but I'm impressed with his subtlety and underplaying. He's taking the scripts seriously and isn't camping it up. Richard Wilson and Anthony Head are underpinning him too with Wilson's irascible Gaius and Head's bullish Uther Pendragon providing some solid Britsh character acting backbone. Bradley James is getting better as the petulant Arthur. But that's all the men. What on earth is happening to the women in this series? Poor old Guinevere (sorry 'Gwen' - as the series is determined to rename her) was reduced to the status of an extra with some scrappy little lines, and so neither of the first two episodes have made an attempt to develop her character. She's thin and bordering on the invisible and I felt rather sorry for Angel Coulby as it's going to take a strong script to favour her. Katie McGrath as Morgana is much stronger this week with a bit more development. I take it they'll use the excuse of being dumped to explain why she eventually becomes the sorceress of legend? The trouble with Katie is that I can't work out if she's deliberately going for a mid-atlantic accent to please NBC or if she's Irish. It comes and goes and is odd enough to snap you out of the drama whenever she appears.



But the two female leads are woefully under served here and Valiant may be evidence that the producers and writers are more interested in the UHT (no, nothing to do with milk. Unresolved Homosexual Tension. Stay awake at the back!). Lots of male bonding going on between Arthur and Merlin, much talk of helmets, and then Will Mellor gets his big snake out. Mellor is unfortunately quite awful. He does not do villainy at all well and can't even give the role a massive slice of ham which would at least have made it interesting, or take all his clothes off, which he usually does in any comedy or drama he appears in, as a way of diverting attention from his lack of talent. The episode is dominated by all the duelling and jousting between the male leads, Merlin taking Arthur's clothes off and putting them back on again and Uther getting hot under the collar about Arthur's lack of honour. Merlin ends up fagging for Arthur (the emphasis on 'fag' is deliberate there) and all his talk of seeing Will Mellor's snake gets him sacked.

What is this, fucking Bedknobs and Broomsticks?

It also descends into the wretched world of Disney. I wanted to gnaw off my own legs at the utter 'cuteness' of Merlin's use of magic to clean Arthur's boots and clothes. What is this, fucking Bedknobs and Broomsticks? It might have UHT but it has so far emasculated the idea of magic and sorcery. This stuff is dangerous according to Uther. That's why he's got John Hurt locked away in the dungeon. But so far, Merlin hasn't done anything remotely exciting with his magic. Moved a few objects, cleaned a few things, conjured up a dog. Yeah, a dog that vanishes once the gag's over. He doesn't seem to have a promising career as the legendary English sorceror and is rather auditioning for Jedi High School Musical. And that's one of the big problems here. The producers are making this far too safe and gentle. It makes Doctor Who look like Hostel. It needs to be edgy, dark and frightening. A couple of CGI snakes does not cut the mustard, especially in those awful close-ups where The Mill's talents seemed to have abandoned them. And the dragon's lovely but it's John Hurt being cuddly and not very fearsome. Harry Potter can rest easy, as Merlin dithers about with its tone and contents. Too babyish for older kids and not knowing enough for the grown-ups.

Valiant isn't a particularly remarkable episode, it drags a bit in the middle with all the endless, bloodless sword play, and only really succeeds where it develops the Arthur and Merlin relationship. James Hawes continues to work hard as a director, fashioning the episodes in a spectacular manner but it is rather empty spectacle. The music is actually improving. There was some fantastic scoring and use of choirs/voices that did generate some genuine atmosphere for that episode. But it doesn't help that we've got a bit of a dud on our hands and I'm still rooting for James Hawes to try and sort this out. I fear the problem is more to do with the producers concept which doesn't so much as 'keep the magic secret' but forgets all about it entirely.

Catch Valiant streaming at Surf The Channel

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And now, the end is near...and so I face the final chapter. Sped through the last four chapters and closed the book with a very satisfactory snap. Rather like the series does, I'm going to go backwards in time for this, the last part of the review. My audience has probably dwindled to one old fella and his cat by now but I never said it would be easy.

It's really not that obvious and perhaps some real emphasis on Rose falling for the double of the Doctor would have helped.

A post-chicken pox/bronchitis suffering Russell, having delivered the two part finale of The Stolen Earth and Journey's End manages to offer some words of encouragement from his death bed strewn with flowers and pictures of Russell Tovey. He's just conceded to Ben that the original ending to Journey's End is a load of cyber-bollocks and dilutes the utter bleakness of Donna's fate. It'll have to go.

"You ask how a writer finds their voice. Everyone has a voice, in life and in print, but finding it in print takes time. There's no technique for finding it, I don't think, and it's never 100% individual. Yes, imitate like hell. Everyone does. But I'm not sure that it happens on purpose; it's a natural process. We all do it in speech, maybe even with thought. I can hear conversational riffs in my speech patterns that are from my friends, dozens of people, and writing is the same. Gaining a voice, whatever that is, comes with experience and practice - and the writing, again, is indivisible from the person. Your voice tends to be something that other people talk about, about you. It's not something you think about much yourself, and certainly not whilst writing.

You find your voice by writing, by experience. It doesn't matter what exactly you're writing, just that you are writing."

If there's one piece of scripting that's been contentious in the finale, it has to be the scene back at Bad Wolf bay where Rose is left in the parallel universe. For me, personally, that scene still does not work. It postulates that Rose will settle for the duplicate Doctor even though we know she actually wants to go off with the original version in the TARDIS. In Time For Heroes, the final chapter, Russell himself admits that the scene really doesn't work. And tries and tries to fix it. The compromise is the last draft where he tweaks the script so that the choice falls to Rose to go with the duplicate Doctor simply by asking which of them can openly acknowledge their love for her. The duplicate Doctor can, as he's half human, whereas the original can't or won't. The filmed version still doesn't work for me - it still feels that it happens too quickly. If the idea of Rose loving the duplicate Doctor had been gracefully introduced into the narrative, say, at the start of The Stolen Earth then just maybe that scene would work. As Russell himself confesses:

"It's too complicated. Emotionally, I mean. It has no echo, no response, it's empty sci-fi. When the Doctor and Rose were separated into parallel universes in Doomsday, that felt like every love you've ever lost. But when you've been separated into different universes, but now have a double of the man that you loved, who's not quite the same, but who's better because he's mortal, but worse because he's not the original...well, you're going beyond human experience. There's no parallel with real life. No equation. Therefore, no feeling."

He tweaks the original, which still includes the original Doctor handing over a piece of TARDIS to his double so he can grow his own, but I still think that despite some slight improvements that it's also down to the editorial choices after filming too. Russell is convinced that Billie is channeling some lust for the double of the Doctor earlier in the filmed finale to try and get the concept over but I don't see it myself. It's really not that obvious and perhaps some real emphasis on Rose falling for the double of the Doctor would have helped. In the end, no matter how hard he's tried to fix that scene it still cheapens the drama of the original separation in Doomsday.

As well as sacrificing the Cybermen conclusion (wisely, may I say) and the grow your own TARDIS bit, he also slices away a flashback to Skaro and a young Davros and a gathering of aliens at the Shadow Proclamation as well as Judoon ships battling Dalek saucers. Much of it is a question of money. Mind you, he manages to save some little moments that otherwise would have bitten the dust in the edit because Julie's managed to get the go ahead from Jane Tranter to make Journey's End 60 minutes long.

It's torture reading the emails as he jumps through various hoops over a scene that will eventually be compromised in the final version.

In Day Old Blues he's stressing over the fact that he can't work out what to do with all the elements he's gathering for the finale. The whole problem with flagging up the relationship between Rose and the double Doctor to the audience first rears its ugly head here. If Rose is going to spend the rest of her life with this Doctor then she needs to be in the TARDIS with him when he pops into existence. So should she be there with Donna at the same time? He doesn't take that option and consequently we get Rose choosing to be with the double after only getting to know him for ten minutes. A point that isn't lost on Russell:

"If I don't take that option, she'll have to meet Doctor 2 in the last ten minutes. Pretty quick to fall in love. So, right, take that option - but that requires Donna to bond with the hand-in-a-jar, then think no more of it, waltz out of the TARDIS, with the original Doctor, to become Davros' prisoner, leaving the Doctor 2 birth to happen as if she had nothing to do with it. That's wrong. That's very wrong."

It's torture reading the emails as he jumps through various hoops over a scene that will eventually be compromised in the final version. There's also a rather heart-felt email, (he does have feelings, readers) where he discusses letting himself down in his private life rather than in his working life. I know a number of you will roll your eyes at that bit and swear you can hear sad violins but it does show how much he has put his own life on hold for the sake of his craft and the series. And I think he really means it. As well as the development of Journey's End, the book also takes us, via the chapter The Christmas Invasion through the construction of The Stolen Earth and his efforts in preventing it being an empty runaround with spaceships. Ben suggests a tweak to the original Bernard Cribbins inspired scene where Wilf paintballs the Dalek by reminding Russell of the classic 'My vision is impaired' catchphrase. An entire Dalek descent on Westminster also bites the dust as does a cameo from Russell Tovey as Midshipman Frame.

He's being paid to be the face of Doctor Who, isn't he?. It comes with the territory.

At the end of Holding The Line, there's a long email about his experience at the launch party for Voyage Of The Damned. It's vitriolic. Splenetic. It covers four pages and is probably the longest single rant in the whole book. The press, Tory MPs, gay fans and the actual quality of the screening are on the receiving end of his acid tongue. He's clearly not enjoying it and many people would quite rightly say he should bloody well force himself. He's being paid to be the face of Doctor Who, isn't he?. It comes with the territory. It's difficult to be sympathetic. However, during the Q&A he's dreading an awkward question and he does recount a previous journalist from The Times criticising the Cybermen two parter for its Motorola product placement.

"He accused the crew of being corrupt, of accepting back-handers. And it escalated. The day after that, The Times phoned Motorola and other mobile companies asking if they had illegal deals with the Doctor Who crew, while we had to send the episode back to The Mill for all accidentally seen logos to be digitally removed, at quite some cost."

Russell's so freaked out by the launch party that the morning after, as he makes his way to a Soho editing house, carrying his evening wear on a hanger, he doesn't know that his trousers slip off it. He then has to retrace his steps, on discovering his lost trousers, asking at each cafe and restaurant, "Have you seen my trousers?". Tragi-comic - that's the making of Doctor Who. Days before, he's also had to watch as the media juggernaut of Doctor Who goes into sheer panic as Catherine Tate inadvertently claims in an interview that this would be David's last series. It has consequences and if you recall the TV coverage of the launch the media besieged David with the same old routine about when he was leaving the series. Different day, same old shit. In the midst of this, there is also a page devoted to the emails between Russell and Steven as they finally get up the courage to talk to each other about handing over the show to Moffat.

It doesn't matter. We know he's adept at this sort of subterfuge and it isn't malicious.

Which neatly brings us back to the future. Russell hears from Steven later that he's already started writing the first episode of Series 5. If the writing isn't on the wall then it most definitely is on Moffat's hard drive. The end is near...final curtain...party's over. I started reading The Writer's Tale rather foolishly thinking I might know a little bit about Russell T Davies but what's clear is that the great unwashed masses (I'm a squeaky clean mass, if you don't mind) are in for a surprise. He's a moody old bugger, often ruthless and bloody-minded. I really do wonder how much of the longer email discussions were actually emails because I do think a lot of the considered, thought provoking stuff is more than off the cuff, wee small hours of the morning banter. It doesn't matter. We know he's adept at this sort of subterfuge and it isn't malicious. It's more an instinct for survival because it's very telling that he's worn out, tired and ready to call it a day by the end of the book. And he's still lovable Uncle Rusty.

If you're interested in writing or you're already writing then the book's worth reading. It isn't a self-help manual. It's just Uncle Russell taking the lid off the top of his head and sharing his thoughts with you. With the outpourings comes wisdom, humour, self-doubt and insecurity. And lots of truly lovely photographs, a clean, crisp design from Clayton Hickman and some of Russell's own cartoons. To paraphrase: "How marvellous!"

Signing off. Hope you enjoyed...what...four days of sharing?

(Thanks to Blogtor Who for the two Cybermen pictures, timeandspace.co.uk, Wired blog and Organ Grinder for the screengrabs...big mmmwwwahhh to you all!)

Lotus position. Focus. Right. After me. 'Russell T Davies Is Not God'...oh,oh,oh, calm, calm. That's right. 'Russell T Davies Is Not God'...keep going. Lovely, deep breaths. That's it. Ready? Clench those buttocks. Breathe. Mmmmmmm. And 'Russell T Davies Is An Egomaniac'...shush, shush...calm down. No, you're losing control..no....oh, crap....'RTD MUST GO'....'RTD MUST GO'....'HE IS A BASTARD'...fuck. We were doing so well. No...buttocks...clench...calm. Clench your bum for Davies...? Oh, no. That's tantamount to an invitation.

He's moody, sulky, bitter, unfeeling and domineering. He likes to primp his ego.

Not working, is it? The hordes of the internet are slagging seven kinds of shite out of Mr. Davies and now share a smug expression amongst their massed ranks. That 'we told you so' expression. The Anorak Zone forum (I mean, you are really asking for trouble calling yourself the Anorak Zone, aren't you) has been rubbing its collective hands together in glee over cross-patch Russell's attack on Outpost Gallifrey in The Writer's Tale. Basically, because they've got away with sticking their own knives into Nu-Who (I loathe that expression. I'll need a bit of correctional self-flagellation for using that on here). Silly sods. Before I regale you with the action replay of the last few chapters, let's get one thing straight. Russell is not God. He's moody, sulky, bitter, unfeeling and domineering. He likes to primp his ego. He's two faced. He is removed from reality (yes, Anorak Zone, I concede that one) but then he's been locked in the BBC's Doctor Who ivory tower for four years and The Writer's Tale isn't subtle in telling you he wants out. Wouldn't it send you doolalley?! And guess what? We'll (yes, that's me included) probably do all this again with Steven Moffat in about four years from now. Better start now. The Moff Must Go! Steven? Are...are you there?

C'est la vie. Que sera sera (yeah, I've gone all Doris Day on your asses and so has Russell by the looks of him)...

"We still cling to the notion of the writer-eccentric, which is a bloody nightmare on set."

Partners In Crime is done. The pages flood across to Ben Cook, Sarah Lancashire gets the Super Nanny role and Peter Fincham, the soon to be ex-controller of BBC1, has lost the plot with all the plans for the 2009 specials and is stuck in Queen-gate. Next thing is, he's cleared his desk and gone. Steven Moffat meets Jane Tranter and Jana Bennett and says 'yes!' to the Big Chair. Well, as long as Russell runs a damp cloth over it. Meanwhile, Ben asks Russell the more important questions about the different drafts that each script goes through and how Russell demarks between his roles as producer and writer:

"I do find it easy to divorce my two roles. With my producer's hat on (it's lemon), if a scene becomes impossible or expensive or is simply dropped on the day because they ran out of time, then I can score a great big line through it. Even if I loved it. I won't moan or bleat or feel any substantial regret. It's something that writers in this country need to be trained in, like in the US. We still cling to the notion of the writer-eccentric, which is a bloody nightmare on set. That sort of writer kicks up a fuss if a character is wearing a white shirt instead of a blue one. That sort of writer shouldn't be allowed near filming. Mind you, that writer-eccentric does allow you to get away with murder. Writers are allowed, professionally to be stroppy and weird and angry and demanding and petulant and oversexed and drunk. As long as your writing is good, that behaviour is sort of revered. Even expected. We're allowed to misbehave, because it's seen as creative, like it's part of the job. Rubbish!"

Me thinks the lady doth protest too much. One of the things fans have observed, and it's something Russell has admitted to, is his capacity for telling lies. OK, so it's not as outrageous as sniffing coke on set, but it's part and parcel of the outwardly facing Davies personna - the big, gay, eccentric Welsh bloke who says 'Marvellous' and 'Hurray' at the drop of hat with that cheeky grin and glint in his eye - and it does make you wonder how much of the above he actually gets away with. Note the 'we're allowed to misbehave' so he's obviously including himself there. I stopped reading at that point because I realised that the book I was eagerly devouring might well be a tissue of lies, a masterful manipulation of the said correspondence between him and Ben. "Don't believe every word, then", I muttered to myself.

Russell comments on the appointments of Steven and Piers, "Shall I lie and say that they're both complete bastards and Doctor Who is doomed?"

There's a tinge of sadness in the chapter Still Fighting It at the news that Howard Attfield having returned as Donna's dad, whose illness Russell has noted, is struggling gamely with his chemo to try and film Partners In Crime. By the 16th October 2007, Howard's illness has prompted his wife to call and declare, "I think we'd better stop". Whilst casting Bernard Cribbins as Wilf to take his place in the series, Russell is touting his Midnight script to replace the recently dropped Tom MacRae episode and has got the nod from Phil and Julie to complete it. Filming on Partners In Crime final TARDIS scene is made difficult by lots of Welsh drunks, the need to add some lines in for Jacqueline King and the question of extras for the scene of the Adipose levitating to their nursery ship. And enter Piers Wenger, the new exec that will replace Julie. Russell comments on the appointments of Steven and Piers, "Shall I lie and say that they're both complete bastards and Doctor Who is doomed?" ( I now fear I can't tell when Russell is telling fibs - is that like a comedy lie, or a proper lie or a double bluff?).



The chapter Steven Moffat's Thighs delves into timey-wimey parallel worlds stuff in a flurry of mail between him and Moffat dissecting Donna's life in the parallel world of the Library. Ben also asks about the dos and don'ts of using flashbacks and voiceovers:

"The techniques are too often being used to disguise the truth, the real story, the heart of the script. It's all pyrotechnics and glitter, fuelled by insecurity. That 'Where do you start the story? ' question can become so overwhelming that the writer goes mad, firing out shots all over the place. If I'm reading something new, especially by someone new, I want to know that they can write, I want to know how their characters talk, how the pace skips along, how the story hooks me, how passionate the writer is, how much I feel the whole thing. I'm not interested in admiring the artifice and thinking, oh, that's clever."

Well, that's buggered my career then. Ben also asks him about his pet hates that might drive other writers mad. He loathes dream sequences and cites Matt Jones' script for The Impossible Planet as an example where this didn't work for him at all. Jones wrote a sequence that took place inside Rose's head and Davies didn't believe it had any dramatic merit and threw it out. That and the television cliche of people storming out of rooms, never saying 'Bye' at the end of phone conversations, characters arranging to go out to the cinema or a restaurant and not actually properly making the arrangement. Davies ends that particular email, "I, of course, make no mistakes ever. Er..."

And that's your lot for today. The very last part of this review will be here at the weekend. Christ, I've got to end it somehow and review something else or I'll go mad. Even Merlin is beginning to appeal...till next time.

(Thanks to After Elton, Broadcast, bbc.co.uk, Eamon McCabe and The Guardian for photos, clips and screengrabs. A big mwwwwahhh! to you all.)

I realise, as I lie here with this book in my cracked and gnarled hands and imagine nubile man slaves massaging my shoulders...mmm...grape, er, thanks...Tovey, that I'm half way through The Writer's Tale. Russell's just decided to activate his official BBC email as he tries to go on holiday and discovered he has 24,000 emails waiting for him. "Delete" he decides and I nod as I remember muttering that to myself when a spam email pinged into my account yesterday claiming they'd found my CV on jobsdontexist.bollocks.com and were offering me the CEO's position at a fictitious conglomerate. Delete indeed. He's probably wiped out masses of fawning messages, offers of viagra, botox and various unctions and pills to turn you into a rabid sex machine, and, no doubt, requests from loads of writers in embryo all hoping he can give them a job or even look at their manuscripts. Sounds like an average day to me.

It must be galling when that Moffat fella goes and grabs all the snazzy awards for his own episodes.

Russell is, it seems, reluctantly trapped on a voyage (...of the damned, ha, ha!) where reality is an out of focus landscape and all he can cope with (or can't) is how the hell he's going to write the script for Partners In Crime in time for the filming block. There are signs he's had enough of being the driver behind the wheel of the whole Who machine. The Rewriter's Tale and Fire And Brimstone are further chapters in the saga of Russell and Ben's email conversations and, indeed, Russell is in the shit. He tries re-writing James Moran's Pompeii script on holiday and then has to cancel the holiday out of sheer panic that Partners is late. Whilst recording blocks are rearranged to give him more time to deliver the script, the Xmas special is in production, location recees in Rome are already underway, Catherine Tate agrees to be Donna (Ben mentions the internet melting - bloody hell, I remember that day), his idea for J.K. Rowling to be the star of the Xmas Special in 2008 is given the thumbs down by David Tennant, and he offers Steven Moffat the Big Chair. Fortunately he does have time to discuss re-writes. All the scripts are re-written by him except for the Moffat, Chris Chibnall, Stephen Greenhorn and Matt Graham ones. It must be galling when that Moffat fella goes and grabs all the snazzy awards for his own episodes. Russell can at least take comfort in the fact that he has the Dennis Potter BAFTA. So who, in the end, is the real author? Does it upset the other writers if they see their original script turned inside out and end up bearing little resemblance to the first draft? Is this why some writers haven't come back to the show?

Let's get back to re-writes. In The Rewriter's Tale he expands on his methodology:

"Rewriting? I write the final draft of almost all scripts...and that draft becomes the Shooting Script. I might change at least 30%, often 60% and sometimes almost 100%. I go over every line of dialogue, either adding new stuff or refining what's there, sometimes that means enhancing a line that the original writer hasn't realised is good. I'll bring out themes, punch up moments, add signature dialogue, clarify stage directions and make cuts. To every single scene, if need be. Usually the basic shape remains intact but sometimes I'll invent brand new characters and subplots...while at the same time remaining faithful to the original writer. I'll even impersonate them.

...I'm sure some of them think of it as vandalism. Equally, to be fair, others are very grateful. But my job is to get the Best Possible Script on screen, even if that means stampeding over someone. "

Finally, something I've been hoping will happen in the book, in Fire And Brimstone - a compare and contrast section of the Pompeii script with the Moran original followed by the Davies re-write.

As he himself says, no one realises how much of Human Nature/Family Of Blood was actually written by him. And The Impossible Planet/The Satan Pit. Increasingly, Russell's vision and tone is stamped all over the scripts. Apparently, it's also contractual that when you sign up to write a script that you agree to it being reshaped by Russell (apparently Julie gets the short end of the straw and has to tell the writers, poor love). James Moran pops in with his view on how Russell changed the Pompeii script and he's delighted with the changes (especially the water pistol gag). Finally, something I've been hoping will happen in the book, in Fire And Brimstone - a compare and contrast section of the Pompeii script with the Moran original followed by the Davies re-write. It's an insight into how the Davies influence works its wonders, or horrors if you're that way inclined, on an existing piece of work. The script is tightened, trademark Russell humour appears and it moves faster. That's the key. The speed of his writing does influence the actual creation of the episode. Many of the ming-mongs out there complain that the episodes move too quickly these days...well, it's there at script stage, right from the beginning. It gets even faster in the edit. Russell bemoans the quality of the rough edit of Voyage Of The Damned and it gets cut down more and more:

"A great sense of dismay at watching the disaster movie format fight the Doctor Who format. Yes, the very thing that I worried about as I wrote it. Do you remember, at the end, I was really proud that I'd combined them? The funny thing is - and I learn this lession every time, yet forget it - if a fault is fundamental, any problem-solving is only papering over the cracks. The cracks always show. The fault persists. They always do. The disaster movie fights the essential nature of the Doctor, because he becomes just Any Old Survivor..."

He's a big gay control freak, not only is he stamping all over the scripts and the edits, taking notes in the read-throughs, but he's also approving video covers, audio scripts, novel synopses...He is Doctor Who! It truly makes you appreciate why the series has had such a big success. It's because very little gets past the man in the Big Chair, thank God. And when it does, he's not happy. And he fixes it.



On the subject of tone, there's an interesting moment where Russell admits that they did get that wrong on the first series of Torchwood. That to me indicates that he doesn't need the combined screeching of internet ming mongs telling him he's misjudged something. He's happy to admit it whilst he and Ben dissect the first series of Skins, where the trailers for that series promise a show of a certain kind and yet the transmitted episodes bear little resemblance to the promotions. Bryan Elsley, the co-creator of Skins seems to have put the fear of God into Russell with his Sunday Times interview in which Elsley declared that they (meaning him, Russell and others of his generation) will be redundant as new forms of storytelling emerge to replace the ones we love and and cherish today. I felt very old reading that.

...there is much discussion about lovely Russell Tovey ("I think I'd make him the Eleventh Doctor" - cue media frenzy and Tovey's agent rubbing his hands in glee)

By the middle of Structure And Cosmetics, Russell has once again overcome his prevarications and has plunged head-long into the script for Partners In Crime. Ben asks him about starting a narrative and at what point the story should begin to which Russell responds by referring to how they eventually sorted out the opening episode of Queer As Folk, letting us in on the fact that there was in fact a completely lost original opening to the series. He's very much in favour of what Nicola Shindler advised him back in the day: "Cut it...Get on with it" and start with the story and its context.

In the whirlwind of emails and script extracts over those three chapters there is much discussion about Russell Tovey ("I think I'd make him the Eleventh Doctor" - cue media frenzy and Tovey's agent rubbing his hands in glee), the RSC jumping the gun on announcing Tennant as Hamlet, James Marsters arse (I see a theme developing here) and an empire building Julie Gardner as she suggests shooting the 2009 Easter special in two halves!

What's that sound? Ah, that's Russell banging his head against the wall at Gardner's suggestion of winging it through the four specials for 2009. I can hear her cackling laughter from here. And on the heels of that bombshell, he takes comfort in the fact that he's going to reveal Rose Tyler's return as a surprise for the end of Partners In Crime. The extracts also demonstrate what a lean piece of writing it is and it's all been hiding in his head since the start of the book when Donna was actually a woman called Penny. I kid you not.

More tomorrow! Yes? No? Take a chill pil

I was cruising through the Outpost Gallifrey Doctor Who Forum towards the end of last week, double-taking at threads like "Which Doctor Had The Nicest Hair" and of course the chatter was all about Helen Raynor. According to Russell in The Writer's Tale, Helen, poor girl, had decided to lower the visor on her Fan Shield and actually brave the forum to see what 'they' thought about her two Dalek episodes after they'd gone out .

I'll let Russell explain:

"More and more, with every writer. It’s those internet message boards. The forums. They destroy writers. The job is full of doubt already, but now there is a whole new level of fear, shouting at us. It is now a writer’s job, like it or not, to put up with it. It’s like when Helen Raynor went on Outpost Gallifrey last month and read the reviews of her two Dalek episodes.

She said that she was, literally, shaking afterwards. Like she’d been physically assaulted. I’m not exaggerating. She said it was like being in a pub when a fight breaks out next to you. I had to spend two hours on the phone to her, talking her out of it, convincing her that of course she can write, that we do need her and want her. That bastard internet voice gets into writers’ heads and destabilizes them massively."

Hang on...I'd better check that my ramblings didn't induce her intestines to leap up and strangle her brain. Er...no, I described Daleks In Manhattan as "a terrifyingly dark piece of Doctor Who, atmospheric, scary and with well realised supporting characters" but I was less charitable about the concluding part, Evolution Of The Daleks: "it looked spectacular but the illogic of some of the plotting, some of the odd directorial choices and an over-repetition of Doctor/Dalek confrontation cliche made it a less effective episode than the first part. Its plunge into surreal 'Rocky Horror' B movie territory, whilst a template that is suitable to the material and its themes of mad science and 1930s Gothic noir, doesn't do any favours to the emotional power needed for the characters to operate in the scale of this story. It felt flat despite all the best efforts."

Helen dared to write about Daleks and Pig Men. She's a girl and what do girls know about Doctor Who? Well, the ones I've met know plenty.

Phew. That's OK. Helen, call off the dogs! It was constructive. I didn't hurl the hideous, misogynistic abuse that left her "shaking", according to Russell. My theory is that she went into the 'Rate The Episode' thread and not the 'Reviews' section. The former is usually a cess-pit of inarticulate bile with no redeeming or constructive features to its credit. It's full of monosyballic grunting and, frighteningly, many hormonally challenged male fans who still haven't got over the fact that a person called Verity actually produced one of the greatest television shows on Earth. Verity was a woman, for heaven's sake! Helen dared to write about Daleks and Pig Men. She's a girl and what do girls know about Doctor Who!? Well, the ones I've met know plenty.

What this then leads to in Russell's book is his view that critics, particularly women-hating old farts on a Doctor Who forum, aren't important. It's their own importance that they're interested in and essentially they're just typing at each other and the artists they are ranting about shouldn't give a fuck about what they say. Quite right too. Any young writer stumbling into that bear-pit would be reduced to tears. It's a shame because Helen, Russell and any number of other production personnel might walk away from such forums with a distorted view of online opinion and the perpetrators will still feel it is absolutely fine to froth at the mouth with what is, at the end of the day, personal abuse rather than genuine critique. The trouble is, since last year, the forum has ditched the 'Reviews' section. It's actually ditched the one place where sane, intelligent people can actually write about Doctor Who without insulting anyone. Well, almost anyone. The forum now lacks that balancing principle and the 'Rate It' threads hold full sway every time an episode is aired. One of the reasons I was here for Series 4 and not there. God, it always worries me as a reviewer that I could be hurting someone's feelings with a disingenuous remark. I just wouldn't do it.

He didn't give it a moment's thought how Gatiss might have felt. Is this something that comes out of that toughening up process, d'you think? He doesn't do 'domestic', does our Russell.

Russell essentially says that young writers will have to go through this baptism of fire in order to toughen up and that fan critics in particular are just absent fathers at the birth of any piece of art or culture who can only carp on after the baby has taken its first steps into the world. Helen, contact the CSA and make 'em pay. Go on the attack, as Russell suggests. All this comes at the end of the Bastards chapter. It's a chapter that left me simultaneously ashamed of my fan status, sorry for any writer involved in the show and bewildered by Russell's icy hard-heartedness. When Ben asks Russell if he thinks he's a bit of a bastard himself, Russell reveals a side of himself that I think will change your perception of him. He actually comes across as callous. It's not deliberate and he does proffer a number of examples where he has worked with other professionals in the industry who he now has, for all intents and purposes, disowned. There's a moment where Julie Gardner has to remind him that he may upset writer Mark Gatiss, who has been beavering away on a script for a year, when he drops the story entirely. He didn't give it a moment's thought how Gatiss might have felt. It didn't occur to him that Gatiss might have felt aggrieved. Is this something that comes out of that toughening up process, d'you think? He doesn't do 'domestic', does our Russell.



Anyway, in the following two chapters, Int. Spaceship and Live And Let Die, the angst over writing the Christmas special gives way to a rapid succession of script pages. My God, when he finally gets going, he churns the pages out. In the space of just under three weeks the script is written. It makes for fascinating reading as he goes back to the start every time and revises before adding anything new. He's also got pressures on him from the art department and The Mill who basically are telling him he's gone way over budget and has to cut, cut, cut. What emerges is a writer with a laser precision in reducing pages and extraneous scenes both for narrative sense and budgetary restrictions. He's like a surgeon.

"That's why, in this gay lark, I stress visibility. Change the law, have education classes, do whatever you want, just be seen."

In the middle of it all, he turns down George Lucas and the chance to do Series 5, has dinner with Kylie, swoons at Russell Tovey and covets Charlie Hunnam's arse. Scripts for Torchwood get abandoned, some polished and rewritten for Sarah-Jane whilst he gets jealous about Peter Morgan's Longford script. There's also a very interesting analogy between creating visual images and homophobia:

"The simple image thing is right at the root of homophobia too. The fundamental image of life, of family, of childhood, of survival, is man and woman. Every story, every myth, every image reinforces that. Even the images of the real world reinforce that, because, statistically, heterosexuality is the norm. It's the default. It's the icon. Man/man or woman/woman disrupts a fundamental childhood image. Homophobia does seem to come from some gut instinct that's beyond the religious or the physical act or whatever. It's primal, and I think that's from the pictures. It's from what we see and what we're shown. That's why, in this gay lark, I stress visibility. Change the law, have education classes, do whatever you want, just be seen."

Bringing us back to the Outpost Gallifrey forum again. If I had a pound for every post or thread that whinged about Russell turning the series 'gay', or inappropriate gay humour or imagery, or some kind of fifth column 'gay agenda' running the show...well then, I wouldn't be on here talking to you lot. I'd be a very, very rich man. There is homophobia on those forums and I do wonder if it is simply because Doctor Who really has become that disruptive in what it now dares to show a family audience? Long may it do so, I say.

Ironically, there's now a "Helen Raynor Apology Thread" on the OG forum. Bloody hypocrites. "Oh we're sorry, Ms Raynor for being absolute c**ts...". I'll be back with more. Yes, more! I know, I'm going to town on this book but it's that good. Look if you're bleeding from the ears just post a comment saying 'Stop You Bastard' and I'll get the message. Until then...

I don't know quite how this is going to work but, sod it, let's give it a go. You'll understand what I'm babbling about in a minute.

"Do you write?" he asked me. Oh, God bless him. I must have had a big neon sign flashing above my head saying WRITER in big pink letters.

This is a very big book, at 511 pages, and it's bloody heavy. I think I've got RSI just from holding the ruddy thing and I'm only three chapters in (I'm half way through Chapter Three with it's wonderful title of "Bastards"). It will come in useful as a blunt instrument. To begin with, the purchasing of this book has been an emotional battle too. I originally had it on order with Amazon at a very reasonable 50% off but then spotted it in various bookshops on my travels and quite frankly was so eager to get my hands on it (perhaps not now they're bruised and battered from actually trying to read it) that I cancelled the order and scuttled off to Waterstone's and grabbed a copy. I was served by a lovely fella, very cute, who asked me " Are you a fan of Doctor Who or Russell?" after he saw the gleam of glee in my eye as he processed my sale. "Both", I replied not knowing quite what being a fan of Russell might actually entail. "Do you write?" he asked me. Oh, God bless him. I must have had a big neon sign flashing above my head saying WRITER in big pink letters. I mumbled something about "I try to. A little bit" and gave him a big smile.



Ten minutes later I barracked myself "I try to!" What the fuck was that about? I am a writer, of course I am. Why am I embarrassed by that claim? Isn't what I do 'proper' writing? Y'see. Self-doubt. Thinking what you do is rubbish.

Anyway. Much later, eyes straining at 2.30am I'm nodding in recognition at a particularly insightful piece from one of the many Russell emails. The whole book is one vast email and text conversation between him and Benjamin Cook. An electronic stream of consciousness that's now in print, in a book beautifully designed, chock full of photographs, cartoons and the like. Yes, it's about Doctor Who but it's actually more about what's going on in the peculiar brain of Russell. A writer's point of view, most definitely. And Benjamin, his email correspondent, asks some bloody hard questions. The bit I was nodding at was an email on Page 54 where Russell succinctly describes the way that panic and desperation has set in because he hasn't even started writing the script and he's entered a downward spiral;

"I don't know why I do this. I even set myself little targets. At 10am, I think, I'll start at noon. At noon, I think, I'll make it 4pm. At 4pm, I think, too late now, I'll wait for tonight and I'll work late. And then I'll use TV programmes as crutches - ooh, must watch this, must watch that - and then it's 10pm and I think, well, start at midnight, that's a good time. A good time?! A nice round number! At midnight, I despair and reckon it's too late, and stay up despairing. I'll stay that way till 2 or 3am, and then go to bed in a tight knot of frustration. The next day, the same thing. Weeks can pass like that."

Russell, I think I've been doing that for the last 25 years and I still haven't written that novel, that script. I've managed a sodding blog and some dry as dust articles on design and, just lately, some nice bits and bobs for DWAS' Celestial Toyroom (thanks, Tony) but what strikes me is that this is actually a universal experience. What Russell is saying there can be applied to most of us, especially writers. It just needs someone to point it out now and again. The process of writing is not formulaic and both Russell and Ben spend much of the first three chapters looking at how Russell processes his ideas with the stress on this is how he puts together ideas and writes a script. What's revealing is that he misses deadlines all the time, leaves pretty much all the writing to the very last minute.

What emerges is a kind of Russell T 'Valeyard'...a darker distillation of that jolly Welsh poof that you see on the telly...

Whilst he's also contemplating his navel, which is actually rather a brave thing to do in a 511 page book - lots of navel, he'd probably admit, he's gossiping about all sorts of things: Kylie, Dennis Hopper, Skins and about his wild past off his head in bars on all sorts of substances, probably. What emerges is a kind of Russell T 'Valeyard'...a darker distillation of that jolly Welsh poof that you see on the telly, grinning at press calls and awards ceremonies. It's fascinating because you do get a glimpse of a driven man who does pause in moments of self-doubt, is often quite ruthless too and doesn't suffer fools gladly. And is very, very funny with it.

So that's just an impression of the first two and a half chapters. It's compelling, candid and very honest. There isn't enough honesty in the world, everyone seems to have an agenda these days, so this is really refreshing. So much so that I'm going to review it a bit at a time (don't nod off at the back, there!). Handy sized bits of commentary as I work my way through which is where I came blabbing in about at the top of the post. Only 450 pages to go...and I'm loving it. See you tomorrow...unless there's something good on the telly.

THE WRITER'S TALE - Russell T Davies & Benjamin Cook (BBC Books ISBN 9781846075711 Published 24th September 2008)

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Apologies for the lack of updates on links to streaming episodes. I've had some difficulty in finding them. But, hey presto, I've got links for the last three episodes transmitted courtesy of Surf The Channel.

These are all links back to Megavideo. Click on the Surf The Channel PLAY icon and you'll go to where the episodes are streamed on Megavideo. You will see the usual Party Poker image - click on the PLAY icon. If Party Poker or another site opens a new window then just close that window down and go back to the Megavideo window again. Click on the PLAY icon again. You should see it then say 'buffering' - wait and then click again. Good luck.

Episode 6: Maidenform
Don and Duck take a stab at making peace. Peggy tries to insinuate herself into the execs' after-hours meetings. Duck deals with a family visit at the office.



Maidenform - Surf The Channel link

Episode 7: The Gold Violin
Don buys a brand new car which befits his image as an executive who has "arrived." Don's secretary makes a grave error, which could spell trouble for Joan. Cooper has a new piece of art in his office that attracts the interest of the employees at Sterling Cooper.



The Gold Violin - Surf The Channel link

Episode 8: A Night To Remember
Father Gill convinces Peggy to contribute on a pro-bono church project. To win the business of an imported beer brand, Duck and Don try to create market appeal to a new demographic. Harry is overwhelmed with the workload in his department and recruits assistance from an unlikely source.



A Night To Remember - Surf The Channel Link

DISCLAIMER: Cathode Ray Tube does not host the episodes itself. Links are via third party hosting sites like Megavideo or Surf The Channel. Often those episodes get pulled off the hosting site and the link stops working. That's out of this site's control and apologies if you came here and found dead links. We know how frustrating that is. Don't shoot the messenger. We're looking for new ones all the time so we'll post them when we can.

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BBC1 - 20th September 2008 - 7.30pm



It's taken a ridiculously long time to get this series made with the idea being passed from pillar to post for at least six years. And it seems that thanks to the success of Doctor Who (there's even a credit for Russell T Davies) those fickle telly execs finally decided to give it the green light. It seems quite appropriate that an older tale of a boy wizard should elbow that upstart Harry Potter out of the way as 'family viewing' returns to BBC1 on a Saturday night and the cinemas are still showcasing one fantasy film after another.

No 'breath of the dragon' Excalibur style dark enchantments just for now even though we are left to puzzle just why Uther has a ruddy great flying reptile chained up in the cellar.

The time may be right but I'm not sure the tone is. Admittedly, this looks stunning with its French locations, meticulously designed sets and The Mill's modern wizardry conjuring up Camelot, dragons and caverns, fairytale landscapes et al and so it gets off to a good start by bunging the money up on screen. Lavish is the word. The CGI dragon is a triumph for small screen effects and John Hurt's mellifluous tones brilliantly complete the package. But we've seen plenty of talking dragons before and this one is decidedly cuddly in a non-threatening way and is clearly going to be Merlin's best mate. No 'breath of the dragon' Excalibur style dark enchantments just for now even though we are left to puzzle just why Uther has a ruddy great flying reptile chained up in the cellar.



Talking of Uther, Anthony Head's steely performance and the opening salvo of his anti-magic campaign obviously and broadly sets up one of the series themes. He wants to rule a kingdom where magic is banned, which spells trouble for any one with a bit of said talent, and gets the executed Tom Collins' mum, the witch-like Mary, all in a tizz. Eve Myles, hidden beneath layers of make up, screeches her revenge at Uther and thus we get the main plot point under starters orders. It's a slim story of revenge on which to hang the more important meeting of the Camelot regulars - Merlin, Arthur and Guinevere - and is just about serviceable. The subtext of magic, fantasy and imagination being crushed by a totalitarian ruler is hopefully something we'll get back to, and with more depth, later. Whether we'll get close to Malory's original tale is debatable as the doe eyed pretty boys and girls playing the major roles seem to be being prodded and propelled into a love triangle in the ilk of most soaps operas rather than the self-destruction of the Malory story. Think Disney's The Sword In The Stone rather than John Boorman's Excalibur then. With a few songs it would be High School Musical rather than Camelot. Not surprising really when the creators of this where responsible for Sugar Rush and Hex.

...it takes someone like Richard Wilson, all Victor Meldrew with long white hair, to stop this from drifting into Disney kitsch

It's not quite found its feet, then. Colin Morgan, who manages to convey Merlin the man's emergence from adolescence very well, is boyishly handsome but lacks the energy and power that the lead role in a series like this so desperately needs. The younger actors aren't sure whether to lead or not and it takes someone like Richard Wilson, all Victor Meldrew with long white hair, to stop this from drifting into Disney kitsch. He's rather delightful as Gaius, curmudgeonly admonishing his magical protegee. Anthony Head is great as the stern Uther and in one of the best scenes, Eve Myles gets to possess herself in the dual roles of Lady Helen and Mary Collins. When Mary then sings the court to sleep the revenge plot reaches its eerie conclusion in a rather lovely sequence where layers of cobwebs and dust cover them all as she attempts to stick the knife into Uther. Merlin saves the day, natch, and gets a job at the court. Nice work if you can get it.



Difficult to get a sense of Arthur (apart from being a 'prat' - not exactly 1450s vocabulary but we get your drift, Merlin) as he just comes over as a blonde, arrogant git. Which is the point, I agree. Pretty boy, though. Now if they subverted the love triangle and had Merlin getting the hots for Arthur or vice versa....nah, it's family viewing. But they do need to get the sexiness of it more to the fore if they intend to keep the teenagers interested. And Guinevere and Morgana barely get a look in in this first episode so the male viewers only get to flirt with them briefly. Hopefully, their stories will take centre stage at some point in the next 13 weeks but this opener does just manage to layer in the character relations - the Guinevere and Merlin chat at the banquet, Morgana's nightmares, Arthur's destiny - and provide plenty of foreshadowing.



James Hawes helms this with a wonderfully visual eye, great big wide shots of the interiors of Camelot, deep focus in the close ups and he's helped by some great lighting and locations. What beggars belief is that this isn't being shown in HD which it surely deserves because it looks so impressive. (Note: Not made in HD, I'm informed)The music is not intrusive and is subtle and the enchantment song of the vengeful Mary Collins is rather good too. The crux of the matter is whether this will entice an audience to stay the course for 13 weeks. This week it went head to head with The X Factor and, promising as it is, this first installment is perhaps too gentle an introduction. It needed a bit more balls. Still, anything's better than that arse Simon Cowell...

Catch the first episode streaming at Surf The Channel The Dragon's Call

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Season 16 - THE KEY TO TIME

The Ribos Operation

September 1978

‘Have you ever looked up at the sky at night and seen those little lights?’

Doctor Who does the ’story arc’ with The Key To Time…well it’s not exactly a new idea in that you could count The Daleks Masterplan and The War Games as mini story arcs in the series. But this arc moves through the entire season and for once gives the Doctor a reason to seek out danger. I’ve never been a big fan of The Key To Time season. On recent viewing, however, I’ve really enjoyed revisiting it and it’s all going quite well until you get to The Power Of Kroll and then…well…you’ll have to wait and see. Ribos has taken a very long time to grow on me. The most recent viewing was perhaps really the very first time when I could happily say that it all actually worked for me.

Plot-wise, the White Guardian gives the Doctor a task and a new companion – seek out all the scattered, hidden pieces of the Key to Time with the aid of snobbish Time Lady Romana. First stop, Ribos, where Garron and Unstoffe are trying to flog the planet to the revenge-seeking Graf Vynda-K. This involves a precious mineral, jethrik, which just happens to be…one of the pieces of the Key.

...a double act is the centre of the narrative – Garron and Unstoffe – giving Ian Cuthbertson and Nigel Plaskitt an opportunity to turn in very wonderful performances, often hilarious, sometimes desperate and moving.

I don’t mind story arcs. However, it might have been wise to actually inform the audience why the pieces of the Key should be collected and just what this Key actually does. It all seems to be shunted to one side without a really good explanation. Once the story gets to Ribos, Bob Holmes gets to the heart of the matter. He again provides us with an object lesson in world building – Ribos feels and looks credible as a backwater planet going through its own Renaissance with its own Galileo. And that’s important in pulling the audience in and keeping them there. And like Jago and Litefoot in Talons, he again makes a double act the centre of the narrative – Garron and Unstoffe – giving Ian Cuthbertson and Nigel Plaskitt an opportunity to turn in very wonderful performances, often hilarious, sometimes desperate and moving. The fact that they are con-men makes it all the more interesting. If you haven't seen Cuthbertson in Budgie do yourself a favour and buy the DVDs because he's equally brilliant in that series too. The other pairing, of the Graff and his right hand man Sholakh, doesn’t quite come off. Paul Seed is pretty good at megalomania but he unbalances the relationship with Robert Keegan with a tad too much scenery chewing. Keegan is excellent, putting in a quiet and rounded performance of discreet menace and intensity. The Graff’s a petty villain, only interested in power but Sholakh does have some interesting character facets to him.

A common theme in the series is embellished by a very ‘Galileo versus the heretics’ thread that effectively connects with a Renaissance battle between religion, superstition and scientific discovery...

The narrative unfolds as if we are peeling back the layers of an onion. It starts out big - (the Guardian and the Key) - and by the end we’re focused entirely on Binro’s worldview (the stars in the sky) and Garron and Unstoffe’s Robin Hood like take on the haves and have-nots. The character of Binro is the centre of the narrative and clearly becomes the audience identification character – the sheer wonder at the scale of the universe being contemplated in an old man’s mind and of course, his satisfaction in that he was right to be curious in the first place. This view clashes with the blood and thunder of the Seer who is all antlers, smoke and mirrors and sees the world through the prism of the supernatural. A common theme in the series is embellished by a very ‘Galileo versus the heretics’ thread that effectively connects with a Renaissance battle between religion, superstition and scientific discovery where Binro is the true seer.

...his relationship with the latest companion looks like a continuation of a bit of a giggle they’ve just had down the pub

It also looks marvellous too with sumptuous costumes and sets that give a clear indication of money on screen, which was always something that Williams as a producer had real difficulty with. He was never consistent. It’s a very medieval Russian flavour that permeates the visuals and the candlelit Hall Of The Dead is shot in such a way that the atmosphere is so palpable. You feel the dampness of the catacombs around you. George Spenton Foster, whilst not the best director on the series, manages to make everything tangible here. And it’s here that you also now understand how the series has now transformed itself - from the high Gothic Hinchcliffe scares with monsters lurking round every corner and audience identification figures in Sarah and Leela - into 'The Tom Baker Show' where his relationship with the latest companion looks like a continuation of a bit of a giggle they’ve just had down the pub. It’s all very knowing and much as I like Mary Tamm as Romana, she’s not ‘the viewer’ as such. It’s hard to identify with her. Perhaps if they’d worked more on the idea of ‘first day at the office’ like Gwen Cooper in Torchwood we might have had something rather more convincing for audiences to latch onto. She comes across as someone who really doesn’t want to travel with the Doctor and the audience must surely have been confused as after all that’s what they wanted to do, and still want to do, week in, week out.

...if your hero doesn’t take the threat seriously, then why should you in the audience believe in it too?

And that’s the biggest problem with the Doctor/Romana relationship. It’s very self-centred and as a viewer I personally cease to identify with either of them at this point because naturalism and conviction have been thrown to wolves in favour of a knowingness that signals to us our leading man and woman are just doing this for a lark. It affects the dilemmas the Doctor apparently finds himself in from here on in – at the cost of drama, he’s flippant and nonchalant when faced by something he should be truly terrified by. It sort of works if you like that sort of thing but as I’ve said before if your hero doesn’t take the threat seriously, then why should you in the audience believe in it too? Mind you, when it’s a stunt man dressed up in a rather obvious, rubbery Shrivenzale costume then you could forgive them. The monsters are now relegated to being guests on the show and not much effort is therefore made to depict them well. A cough and a spit and they’re done with. The series has switched to humanoid villains with grand schemes and the Doctor simply arrives and knocks over their little house of cards.

Ribos is head and shoulders above some of the Season 15 stories and its strengths are Holmes’ characters and themes, good guest actors, superb production values and a wordy but clever plot. The Doctor and Romana seem to be there as bystanders rather than active forces in the narrative but the script is full of good lines and situations. It’s let down by an indifferent Romana and not terribly convincing monsters. Cuthbertson, Plaskitt, and Timothy Bateson as Binro own this story completely.



The Pirate Planet

September – October 1978

‘Then what’s it for? What are you doing? What could possibly be worth all this?’

Douglas Adams arrives on the scene with his first contribution to the show. The difference is pretty immediate just from a scripting point of view. Adams’ characteristically layered plotting, bluffs, double takes and deft humour drift through the episodes like a refreshing breath of mountain air. And it’s entirely suited to the Williams era and this would stylistically find its watermark in City Of Death where the dexterity of characterisation and plotting move the show out of the formulaic and into the magisterial for a brief period.

The plot concerns a planet-eating factory run by a very loud, shouting Captain Hook type who is being manipulated from behind the scenes by the ancient Queen Xanxia. She needs the energy produced by the destruction of these planets to escape her prison.

Adams was concerned that the villains were defined characters with a particular point of view rather than the average megalomaniac wanting to take over the universe

After the triumph of The Ribos Operation where the traditional nature of the series went all philosophical on us, this one is content to bring us back to a shiny, 1950s pulp science fiction universe. Very apt, as this idea of science fiction/adventure nostalgia combined with mythological symbolism is basically the winning formula that made a certain Mr. Lucas a packet in 1977. Therefore we have some very broad brushstrokes here combined with an interesting moral problem for the Doctor to solve. In order to thwart the Captain and his mining operations he has to sacrifice the comfortable lives the people of Zanak are leading. What right does he have to do so? Do the people of Zanak really care enough to back the Doctor on this one? It’s a case of Adams wondering about the motivations of the villain of the week and how the Doctor can provide a sound moral counterpoint within an interesting social context. It’s clear that Adams was concerned that the villains were defined characters with a particular point of view rather than the average megalomaniac wanting to take over the universe. Hence we get the central plot about Xanxia regenerating her body at any cost (Earth being next on the menu) and manipulating all the male characters to do her bidding whilst serving the sub-plots about the indolent people of Zanak, the Mentiads and the Captain himself.



Curiously, another thing that does stand out at this point during the Williams era is how villainy becomes an equal opportunities concept and we get to see more female protagonists clash with the Doctor over the next few years. Whether this is just a response to the rise of feminism in the late 70s, Thatcher’s domination of the Conservative party or a specific agenda for the script editor, who can tell? We do seem to get a rash of female characters who plot away behind the scenes, often changing history and society to suit their needs and controlling the situation through weaker men. The Stones Of Blood crystalises this approach more so than any other story but it can be clearly identified in other stories such as The Creature From The Pit.

Mary Tamm leaning back with her hair flowing in the wind with some obvious CSO just made me think of several Eddie Izzard sketches

From a production point of view, the design is actually rather good here, particularly the Captain’s bridge and the Captain himself. There’s a good, strong use of colour in contrast to steel greys in both sets and costumes. It does tend to look a bit sparse and unconvincing in the scenes set on the surface of Zanak though but the Bridge, the engine room and the Time Dam prison of Xanxia are all well realised and money is thankfully up on the screen again. There are also the air-cars and the Captain’s robot, Polyphase Avatron, in the mix too. The air cars are hilariously bad/cheap SF tropes and one scene with Mary Tamm leaning back with her hair flowing in the wind with some obvious CSO just made me think of several Eddie Izzard sketches. And can someone tell me the point of the flying robot parrot? Location work is good, with the scenes in the mine standing out as best here and more effective than some of the scenes with the Mentiads marching through what looks like the Welsh hills!

There’s also a lovely, twitchy and nervous performance by Andrew Robertson as Mr. Fibuli

Baker is back on form here, especially his equal indignation at and admiration for the Queen’s dastardly scheme. He’s especially good working against Bruce Purchase as the Captain who is great value but does tend to spin off into Brian Blessed territory with all of his shouty bits. His ‘by all the…..(insert ridiculously over the top description here)’ epithets do get tiring after a while and you wish the Doctor would hurry up and polish him off. It’s also Adams at his laziest in terms of writing. However, when he does get his comeuppance there is a genuine twinge of sadness at his demise when we realise how much Xanxia has exploited him. There’s also a lovely, twitchy and nervous performance by Andrew Robertson as Mr. Fibuli that acts as a good foil to the blustering Purchase. However, a rather one note performance by David Warwick as Kimus makes him looks uncomfortable in an essentially thankless role and in doing so he lacks conviction. Mary Tamm seems to have settled in a bit and doesn’t jar as much here. She’s still wandering about the place being all aloof and not particularly audience friendly but the edges are a little softer. She’s again too much of a know all to be a proper audience identification figure.

Overall, this isn’t bad at all. It doesn’t scale the heights of Ribos but it’s entertaining, well written, has plenty of ideas and is leaps and bounds better than the likes of Underworld or Invasion Of Time from the previous season. There’s a focus on the villains and why they are doing what they are doing that refreshingly reintroduces a sense of real dilemma to the proceedings. You do actually want the Doctor to be clever and outwit them this time whereas in the previous season half the time you couldn’t give a monkey’s if he bothered to leave the TARDIS or not.

THE KEY TO TIME Boxset: The Ribos Operation & The Pirate Planet (BBCDVD2335 Region 2 DVD Cert PG)

The remaining four stories will be reviewed shortly along with an overview of the DVD set's extra features.

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